Enjoyin' Myself....

Winter is our slowest time of year... by a long shot. Sometimes I can feel small bouts of frustration or cabin fever, call it what you will, creep into my being as I feel guilty about the unimportant tasks that I preform in a day, and that's when I have to remind myself to just be.... and enjoy my being. Enjoy being part of my being and getting to know that being...

It's the time of year when I can pull out crafts and hobbies that I otherwise put off through the rest of the seasons. Those projects or things I want to learn, but label them off under that "some day" guise. I find this slow quiet season to be a great time of self discovery, as I indulge myself in such pleasures that I really enjoy and am able to sit back and observe and get to know myself.


  I learned to spin this winter. A truly enjoyable step of the fiber processing that I always skipped over before, since Mom knows how to do it, it always seemed like it would be a waste of time to learn it, simply for enjoyment of it, when I could be washing, carding or knitting up the fiber; things I already knew how to do. Spinning, however, even though I can't do it nearly as well as Mom, is a very relaxing and pleasurable past time and it dawned on me that, without the slow pace of winter, I may have never learned this enjoyable past time.

Another thing I realized about myself—I really enjoy making puzzles. A few weeks ago, Mom and I spent a looong giddy Sunday afternoon together bent over a 1000 piece puzzle, complete with some chocolate (women you know--especially giddy ones--need their chocolate! :) But, it's such a trivial thing, once accomplished, that I always prevented myself the luxury of all the time involved in putting one together, so it's something I never realized about myself. Even now, I find I'm a little embarrassed to admit this about myself, but I also find it fascinating that it's in my individual personality type to enjoy, really enjoy, piecing together puzzles. I despise certain brain/word puzzles, but Mom tells me from the time I was a tot, I loved doing puzzles beyond my age range. Amazing! I've had that trait in me my whole life and have stifled it away because of guilt until I didn't even know it existed in me. Hmm... am I a dancer too?? ;-)



Winter has also given me the opportunity to play with color; in fabric, in yarn and in paint. I never realized how much my creative side LOVES color! Ooo, lots and lots of it! :D I's been coming out; more and more color more ferociously as I indulge myself with the time to just sit down and do things with it. Let loose and allow my hands and mind to do whatever they get the inkling to do. I had some mental workouts to get through first, tearing down my long held belief that 'I am no painter!' and just allowing myself the freedom of expression without lesson or criticism. Just my own individual expression. And it's beautiful. I can say that honestly, because lately I've been looking on at my work with the amazement of a bystander who has just witnessed a self-inhibited creator break through self inflicted barriers.


 Recently, I broke down and gave into the pleadings of my younger siblings to read them a big, long book series, "Ranger's Apprentice", an undertaking that I've been long putting off. I realized that, in a few short years, they would be reading the series themselves and I would have lost my chance. I was tentative and a little self conscious at first, but gradually I've also torn down that thought that 'I'm no storyteller' and I am finding now that I actually enjoy it; giving accents, voices, emotions and expressions to the characters as I read aloud. Trying not to kick myself that there are better things I could be doing, but just enjoying the time spent lounging around with the younger kids on a snowy afternoon and re-exploring that long lost art of storytelling... enjoying the realization that this, too, is a small part of my personality that may actually have talent and that I truly enjoy doing.

  Playing music—loud and rocking out together with my siblings as a group, or softly and alone to myself, humming gently and thumbing notes on a quiet, snowy afternoon. Bopping around with Donna in my arms or grabbing a sister to spin around the room when a catchy song comes on. Just allowing the expression or the reaction to the environment that I'm in to come forth, un-oppressed by guilts and predisposed beliefs of myself and my abilities. Really, just BE ME, the way I am naturally. And recognizing the value in being me: that the un-oppressed me in the smallest areas of development could actually posses the ability to change the course of our future world.... Alright, I admit, that's an amazing thought.
   I'm learning lots of new things about myself. Overcoming barriers I didn't know that I was creating around my personal creative expressions. Just taking that first step to overcome my guilty thoughts that I should be doing something more productive has opened the flood gates toward a personal experience of self-development. And what is productivity anyway, but the betterment of oneself and their environment? Enjoying getting to know and discovering the inner artist in me that's always been there. Why is it that I'm twenty-one and feel like I'm still getting to know myself? I am really, truly, enjoying this person that I am, (and am getting to know), however.  The term 'enjoy yourself!' has never stood out so prominently in my head.


  In a few short weeks, the sap will start flowing and we'll have syrup boiling down. The sheep will need to be sheared, the horses hooves trimmed again, the orchard pruned, the green house planted and the garden seedlings started, but for right now, I am content to spend time indulging my creative side and getting to know and enjoy myself.

After all, what are we here for, really, if not to simply enjoy ourselves? :)

*footnote to this post can be found HERE.